http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ America Anonymous: Share Your Stories: Recent Posts en Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:38:07 +0000 http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=17#post-43 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 20:36:42 +0000 msmom 43@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>I am SO happy for you and your family. Prayer does work. Take care and enjoy that little grandbaby when he/she gets here.."grands" are just amazing. Love to you all... </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=17#post-42 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 21:29:34 +0000 Passion4Family 42@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>msmom, Wonderful! 6 weeks clean! She is doing so great, I'm so happy for you both. She's working hard, you should be proud. I'll keep you both in prayer. Well, my baby girl is also doing well. We just found out she is having a baby. I had wrote in my last post about the young man that had come back into her life. Well, they are having a baby and they both seem to be content and happy. I find myself having to talk myself out of panicing. God willing everything will be OK. For now they are clean and happy, and that is all I can ask for. I'm enjoying my daughter, as you are yours. God bless our girls. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=17#post-41 Mon, 01 Mar 2010 10:24:22 +0000 msmom 41@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Thank you for your thoughts...as of this date, going on 6 weeks she's doing great. Depression comes and goes. She still has jail time to make up. Everyday that she is with me I'm so happy...and she seems to be too, but she says the craving never goes away. While I live for every moment we are together...simultaneously I am living with the constant fear that it won't last....I don't know how you've done it. I really don't. It's amazing to me what we can endure and the strength that HOPE gives us. Please stay in touch..you have been a lifeline for me and I pray for your family every night. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=20#post-40 Tue, 23 Feb 2010 08:43:03 +0000 Jap50 40@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>She denies she has a problem with oxy-roxy,zanax,percocets,loritabs..Even after this past year has been total hell on everyone involved.She and her boyfriend have lost their jobs,house,cars and he was in jail for child abuse after their 2mos old sweet boy was admitted with a broken femur 11 mos ago.Thank god our families (ours and his) have had custody.Lately since my daughter is back living with her boyfriend again,and both of them are still unemployed...it has gotten way out of control.There are growing tensions between our families because they have stolen from us..they tried to pawn my other daughters(her sister)violin,guitar,some family heirlooms and some of my jewelery.Most recent was my credit card, in which they bought gas,a lunch,a dinner or two.When she came over to talk about it she naturally denied it a first until i threatened to call the police.We have had numerous conversations with her boyfriend cussing me out,she refusing to admit it's a problem.She has never been so screwed up in her life..A bright young girl always excelled at everything and now seems totally lost..My husband and i cannot take it any longer..it has affected our relationship,my health,and my youngest daughter(18) is angry with her sister and wonders if she will ever grow up (24).Right now she and i are barely speaking,her boyfriend is not allowed to come over(for disrespecting me) and her father is ready to give her up..i am at a loss..i could never give her up :( </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=17#post-39 Wed, 10 Feb 2010 23:01:19 +0000 Passion4Family 39@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>msmom,<br /> I am so happy for you (you have your baby home). No matter how long this lasts, at least you have had this time with her. I have been in your position many times (with my daughter). I try to cherish those days or weeks or even months. Because for me, at least, they never last. I hope and pray your time with your daughter lasts a very long time. My daughter has gone as long as a year clean and happy, and then relaped. Each time she has relaped her addiction gets deeper and harder to come out of. My baby girl has been in jail a few times. She has been on probation for two years. If all go's well she will be off probation next month. She has been clean for 3 months now. She seems to be happy most of the time, although she falls into deep depressions at times (which scares me). A young man form her past (pre drug use)has come back into her life. I think it has been a positive thing. He is calm and kind and has plans for his future. He knows some of my daughters past, but not everything. When he looks at her he sees the young lady she was before drugs. She likes that. She is tired of being looked at as "the drug addict". I'm praying this is a blessing for God (this young man form her past).<br /> We too have used up so much of our finances, trying to "help" our daugher(bail, rehab after rehab and bail again and rehab again...). You know your right,they do seem to feel as though they are entitled. I just do not understand the whole "Entitlement" thing. Maybe we did foster that or maybe it is simply part of the addiction- The distorted view of the world, that addicts have. I don't know. I'm trying hard to love my daughter for who she is, period. And not grieve the loss, of the daughter I had drempt she would be. I love her so very much. She is my heart and soul. God willing she will stay clean and stay in our lifes. But I now at any moment she could choose to leave us again, for that evil she calls "herion". So I live in the moment. At this moment she is safe, sober, and happy. So I am happy. But, if she does choose to return to the drug world, I will light a candle and place it in her childhood bedroom window everynight (like I have done everytime she has relaped) in hopes that she will see that light and it will guide her home, back to her father and me. Thanks for reading. God bless your family and may your daughter find happiness. Msmom, Your a good mom, she is very lucky and blessed to be your daughter. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=19#post-38 Tue, 09 Feb 2010 20:56:50 +0000 Freeliving 38@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>I have had a problem since i was little with boys. I am a girl and I just like go crazy when I see a attractive guy. Like when I see a new hot cute guy like I get over the other guy. And i have a problem with sex. I am a fiend for sex. I have had sex for years and i am a young age. I just want to have people feel the way i feel. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=17#post-37 Wed, 03 Feb 2010 10:19:43 +0000 msmom 37@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Dear Passion4Family,<br /> I wanted to tell you that I'm writing from Oregon. You mentioned that you're exhausted. I was just thinking this morning how energized I feel when my daughter and I have some positive interaction and just knowing that she's here with me...and THEN the moods kick in, she gets nasty, sick..negative, we also have to deal with jail time that she has acquired due to avoiding fines, cout appearances, bill collectors and I realize I'll probably have to sell the house pretty soon to get out from under all the money I've spent over these last 7 years with one thing after another because I just couldn't let her "suffer"...what was I thinking? Exhausted is the perfect word. My husband and I divorced shortly after adopting her so I've raised her alone. These last 4 years I've tried to have a relationship with a wonderful person. However..I've shortchanged him..too tired to see him, emotionally drained, "she needs me"...had to work extra hours because of the bills I've paid for her..one excuse after another because I feel so responsible for her. Some of yesterday was a good day...today is another day...trust issues with her, the feeling of "entitlement" from her that I'm sure I've fostered...I'm feeling responsible for this big mess she's living and my own inability to let her hit rock bottom..because I don't want to "lose" her. Now I'm expecting the police to show up to arrest her (once again)..there's a warrant out. Thanks for listening... </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=17#post-36 Tue, 02 Feb 2010 11:17:26 +0000 msmom 36@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>hello again and thank you soo much for sharing. Since I last posted..On Jan 16 I went and got her. The "tracks on her body were horrific. I brought her home and had every home remedy for detox known to man for side effects, cramping, nausea, insomnia, body aches and pains, teas, vitamins, supplements, foods and juices. She was scared...as it turned out there were no methadone clinics around here (for which I'm grateful)but she didn't see it that way. I view it as a way of perpetuating the "use"...so I kept her sleeping, treated symptoms as they arose (immodium AD and Draminine are good) got her to a regular therapist, psychiatric nurse practioner, massage therapist and GP. Thank goodness for the insurance that will only last till the end of March. She cried, shook, threwup, said she couldn't live like this, she NEEDED SOMETHING TO HELP..my argument was that she could die the way she was "living" before. She would NOT die from detoxing....I've watched her like a hawk..she has some great CLEAN friends here locally who are looking after her too. She has been clean now for 3 weeks..cold turkey, happy, eating well, and confronting the issues that she has been avoiding for so long. I know that all we have is moment to moment...and things can change at any time..but for right now I can go in her room, put my arms around her and hold her to my heart. She'll smile at me and once again I'll have my baby girl......Every night I thank God for this day and pray for each and every one of you out there living with this constant ache..bless all of you. I will continue to stay in touch and thank you for your support. Love to all... </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=18#post-35 Wed, 20 Jan 2010 08:39:25 +0000 otherisde 35@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Well with all the PR about Tiger I guess we are on the map again. I am sad and glad about this. The sadness is that people want to know about this because a superstar is tagged as a sex addict. So many are fighting for their lives and do not have millions to spend on it. Some are fighting to stay alive with no support.<br /> The joy is that a superstar is shining the light on it. We can see that this crosses lines and we are all the same.</p> <p>I am going to go out and find a place to help people and get the support needed to touch others in need. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=8#post-34 Wed, 20 Jan 2010 08:33:43 +0000 otherisde 34@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Sexaddict Wow I am so there with you. I am older so I did not have internet for a while growing up. I do remember masturbating till i was raw. i also remember going to football practice and being fearful that other would see the stains in my underwear.</p> <p>I loved the exact life you described and I outed myself to my wife and we have been stronger since. In a odd way the pain out outing was so strong it keeps me from doing it again. I still fight with what is healthy sex and what is addiction.</p> <p>I honor you for your journey and I also found support with men at a group <a href="http://WWW.MKP.org" rel="nofollow">WWW.MKP.org</a> A place to be with men in a healthy way.</p> <p>Bless you all. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=17#post-33 Mon, 11 Jan 2010 13:25:48 +0000 Passion4Family 33@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>MSMom,<br /> You are not alone! What area of the world are you in (if you don't mind me asking)? I'm in California. We could be comunicating with eachother half way around the world and yet we share something that will forever change our lives "addiction and our daughters". You have a friend in me. I read this site often. I will stay in contact with you as long as you are reading this site. Just know there is someone out in the world that understands the type of pain you feel and is reading your posts and keeping you in prayer.<br /> FYI: not only am I a mother, Iam a pediatric nurse. I tend to investigate medications when ever they come my way. My daughter also tried the Methadone route. To addicts its a cheap way of getting a high (yes it gets you high) that lasts longer then heroin. It last longer and is cheaper (plus if they are getting it at a clinic ITS LEGAL). At work we will sometimes give methodone to our patients for various reasons, and I can tell you it is a very long process and difficult process to wean them off. Methodone stores in the bone marrow. It is not easy to get off. It is much like withdrawing from heroin. There is a reason why there are so many people at medthodone clinics that have been going there for 10, 20 plus years. I'm sure you have already looked into it, as soon as your daughter mentioned it (it's what us mothers do).<br /> Update on my daughter: Well, I'm exhausted. Trying to figure out if she is using, is exhausting. She lies if she is using or not. Oh, she tells me just enough to make me think she is sharing and being honest. You see, she has lied for so long it is a behavior she can't seem to break. So many behaviors she has learned living in the "drug world" have become so deep within her. I fear she will never understand the behaviors are not exceptable, let alone immoral. But, then I sit back and say "stop it" just rejoice in the fact she is alive and clean (I think). We support her financially 100% and she does not live at home. We had to put her in her own apartment to save our marriage. There will come a day when we will have to cut the money off (we never give her money, we just pay the bills). I just hope and pray she is strong enough and determined enough to support herself, when the time comes. We have a son in college and he has dreams. We so want to be able to help him, finacially, reach those dreams. He has worked hard and made good choices in his life (he's 21 years old). It's just not fair of us to use all our resources on rehab after rehab car,rent.... for his sister. We have set a date February 5th. Our daughter must be able to contribute xxx amount of dollers to her bills (rent) every month or we will have to take the car back. This is not only to save us money,but to give her an opportunity to contribute and feel good about herself. Plus teach her a lesson- when your an adult (in the real world) people have to work and pay thier bills to have cars. I now it sounds crazy that a 22 year old wouldn't understand this concept, but because of drugs she is not a 22 year old. Her thought process is more like a 14 or 15 year old.<br /> Sometimes, I wonder who she would have been had drugs never entered her life? Othertimes, I wonder what kind of person she will be when she overcomes addiction. Oh, she could make such a difference in peoples lives. With her experiences and strength (that I know she has) she could have an amazing life. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=17#post-32 Sat, 09 Jan 2010 12:09:51 +0000 msmom 32@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Thank you so much for your reply...I have no one here, I'm single and work all the time, especially now to keep busy and exhaust myself so I can't spend every second worrying. Everything I've read states that all the well meaning advice in the world isn't going to make any difference to the addict. I'm trying so hard to give her the space but everyday is an exercise in terror. I wish you all the luck and support in world with your daughter. Thank you again for your message..I'm so grateful. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=12#post-31 Mon, 04 Jan 2010 10:08:32 +0000 Passion4Family 31@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>I would love an update on your stories. How are your daughters today? How are your families? Have you made it through the storm? My family is at a calmer place right now, but not yet through the storm. Things are still up and down. But we are OK at the moment. Praying for all of you out there that are living lives like mine. We all have stories that are different and yet so much alike. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=10#post-30 Mon, 04 Jan 2010 10:00:42 +0000 Passion4Family 30@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Hello Denisethehum,<br /> How are you doing? I hope you still check this site every once in a while. I pray you and your family are safe. I have posted several times on different topics on this site. I am not an addict, but my babygirl, 22 years old, is (heroin.) Which started with pain killers. It is hard to say, but I can see how this whole addiction thing can take hold of you. There are times I have thought of taking something to take the pain (depression, hurt, guilt, shame) go away. Instead I read alot. I read anything that has any insite to addiction, family, hope, or faith. I just finished a wonderful book (although sad) titled "Where the Heart Lies" written by T E Church. It's a biography of his life growing up with a drug addicted mother. It might be tough reading for you. But it does give some insite to the child growing up with a mother addicted to drugs. Another book is "Beautiful Boy" it is a story written by the father of an addict. One last book I would recommand is "The Shack" it has nothing to do with addiction. But the message is strong. It is based on a father who has lost his child to murder. But it is not the murder the book focuses on. It focuses on the grief the father carries and the amazing things that happen to allow him to find peace deep in his heart. Reading has helped me (I was never a reader before).<br /> Just thought I'd let you know there is someone out there, that read your story and is praying for you and your family. Stay strong. You are worthy. You can beat this. You are loved. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=17#post-29 Sun, 03 Jan 2010 18:22:10 +0000 Passion4Family 29@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Hello,<br /> My story is much the same, as so many others. It's true we are not alone in this. But that really doesn't help. It just makes me sad for all the others out there, watching their children slip away. We watch in horror while our amazing children are stolen from us, right in front of our eyes. There is so much advise out there (how to handle the situation). But to tell you the truth, I don't think there is any right way to handle it. It is an insane situation, that requires crazy solutions. I did many crazy thing while trying to SAVE my daughter.<br /> My story: I had a sweet amazing little girl. She had my heart and soul the minute I new she was growing inside me. She always had a mind of her own (since the day she was born). She was strong and yet loving. Her dad and I were so blessed to have been given her as a blessing from above. She began school with an excitment and wonder that surprised me. She wasn't scared at all. She had many friends and the teachers adored her. She got As and was an amazing athlete. She was such a strong girl. She knew right from wrong and always stood up for what was right. Peer pressure was not a problem. She was a leader not a follower. Until she met a boy. High school and "the boy" changed everthing. We didn't know what hit us. She went from being a young lady that was trustworthy to someone we couldn't trust. It started with Oxy. She was up to 10 80 mg a day and soon moved on to Heroin. The process took about 3 years, but when heroin took hold there was no turning back. She was gone. My amazing daughter disappeared completely. She was a shell of herself. People didn't recognize her (even when they were standing next to her). Nothing about her spirit, mind or body was the same.<br /> When she changed our family changed. I became obsessed with her. I was obsessed with protecting my husband and son from the dark evil that had joined our family. I did things that were so out of character. This has scared our family permanatly.<br /> Fast forward: It has been 5 years since drugs have penatrated our family. My daughter is still alive (which is only by the grace of God). Our family is still intact, although damaged. My sweet girl has been in and out of rehab. She has times of sobriety and then relapes. Right now she has been clean for 2 months. She just got a job (the first in 4 years). She has several felonies, so getting a job is rough. She has scars on her arms that have disfigured her, which also make it hard to get a job. Her self-esteem is low and she doesn't feel worthy. She carries such guilt with her. The memories of the things she has done and seen haunt her. My husband and I hurt for her and pray one day God will remove the scars from her body and soul. We know if only she can get stronger and learn to love herself again she can and will do great things in this hurtful world. Faith is all we have. The world has broken us.<br /> To MSMOM and all those out there like us. Keep the faith and know, unfortunately, we are not alone. God bless you all and may God protect our children and bring them back to us. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=14#post-28 Fri, 01 Jan 2010 20:27:41 +0000 msmom 28@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Deb,my heart just breaks for you and I wonder if this will be my future also? I've just posted that my daughted has been on heroin for this last year. I only found out a few days ago. I will pray for you and your family and that your husband can see that the bitterness is only to hide his pain and disappointment. Best wishes, msmom </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=17#post-27 Fri, 01 Jan 2010 20:15:59 +0000 msmom 27@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>I'm new to this but need to express my feelings. I have just found out through my daughter that she's addicted to heroin and had been shooting up. She's actually my granddaughter and I adopted her from birth. She has been my life. She started drinking in jr. high, smoking pot, I got her into treatment and therapy. She decided she didn't need it..then a driver's license and she bought a car...the DUII's started, arrests, jail, etc. ADAPT..then SERENITY LANE, etc. Just like with so many other parents..this cost me a fortune but I wanted to show my support. At 19 she moved to Portland..for the first year things seemed to be ok...after she turned 21 it's been downhill....we used to talk everyday, I didn't hear from her for days and when I finally got through to her she sounded "sleepy"...her car was impounded, her phone shut off and finally she was evicted from her apt. I saw her for one day at Thanksgiving and she left the next day to go back up north. She looked horrible. When she finally told me the other day that she was addicted..she wasn't asking for help..just letting me know and that she wanted to get clean. I checked every possibility in this town and came up with a few suggestions but she said she was "afraid" to come down and then not get some type of meds to help her get through. I couldn't guarantee her anything and finally told her she has 3 months left on insurance my ex carried on her. I told her it was up to her, to come down and have my support..with home, financial etc or stay where she is and try to do it there....she says she has "friends" with methadone prescriptions so she could "borrow" some and see if it will help. I won't even go into the conversation we had about doses and more self medicating....<br /> I guess I'm just stunned, frantic, scared..trying to let her take full responsibility for her actions and recovery and yet wanting to "fix" everything and get my beautiful, little baby girl back....everytime I see a police car or sheriff's car around the neighborhood I fear the worst.... thanks for listening... </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=16#post-26 Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:57:52 +0000 MelissaS 26@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>I'm going to post this here because I don't know where else I could possibly be connected (outside of group meetings) with many other people who I know share similar histories. </p> <p>I've been fat my whole life. There is a common story in my family about me and my obesity. My parents took me in for my one year check-up with my doctor, and already at that point I was off the weight charts. When my parents inquired about it, my doctor looked at my mom (who is morbidly obese) and my dad (who also is morbidly obese) and said, "She's doomed." I was always the kid that wanted more. One of my fits ended up in my hitting my head in the corner of a coffee table, breaking open an artery, and now I have a permanent scar in the middle of my forehead. </p> <p>When I came into young adulthood, I found something that to this day never ceases to baffle me- the "FA," fat admirer. The idea that there were guys all over the world that could possibly like this cage of a body that I was living in was amazing. I was being internationally fawned over by guys young and old, unattractive, and the extremely attractive. But following these guys lead me into my main addiction. </p> <p>There are people all over the world that are attracted to overweight partners. There are also people who are attracted to overweight partners and will encourage them to gain weight. I was enamoured. Not only was I being chased by attractive men, but I was being chased by attractive men with pizza boxes and brownies in tow! The sexual fetish is called feederism and I was hooked (or "doomed" depending on how you look at it). </p> <p>I was suddenly encouraged by guys to stuff my face silly, something I had already been doing on my own. Then, I would engage in as much sexual endeavours as possible- be it with the FA in my college dorm building, masturbation, phone sex, webcam sex, whatever was possible. </p> <p>The longer I was in that world, the more I didn't want to leave. I was bingeing more and more, always with a guy on the phone with me encouraging me or in person, rubbing my belly to help make room for more. I was coordinating meets in my area so all the people into this fetish could meet in real life. I did it because I felt amazing. Guys were flirting with me and asking my number, and as I slowly ate a dozen donuts in front of the group, I could feel my ego inflating faster than my distended stomach. </p> <p>That's when I fell in love. The constant text messages to the guy across the country weren't enough for me. Once I got a bank error in my favor, I bought tickets across the country and soon found myself in a food and sex fest for a solid week on a completely different coast. When he broke my heart, that's when everything changed. </p> <p>I started using people. It became less of a fun thing and more of a way to get food and sex. I would call up any one of the list of men and have them take me out for dinner and drive through hopping and passionate sex (if their car was big enough). After awhile, it became completely partnerless. I used their ideas, and occasionally had them encourage me, but I was on my own. I was bingeing more than I had ever done before and quickly ballooned to over 400 pounds- only 50 pounds away from the goal that I told everyone I was going to have. </p> <p>After awhile, I began to isolate. It evolved to me bingeing alone in my car and crying the entire time. That's when I found myself in OA. I even remember my pitch at my first meeting: "I'm here because of my car." My car was the only thing that showed what a wreck I was becoming. It smelled of rot and was littered in so many wrappers and plastic cups and boxes in my passenger side that no one could even possibly sit in the seat. There would be no room for their legs. I used to mold out a section in the garbage for new cups so that they wouldn't spill on anything. </p> <p>While the OA people can relate to me on some level, I guess what I'm missing is the part where I was so deep into a sex fetish that I don't think I could possibly get out. I feel like I'm the orphan child of a SLAA and OA. I look like OA, but my personality is all SLAA. I think a part of me says that logically, OA is the place for me, and I feel like I would weird out the people in SLAA. Like even this is too weird for them. I can always leave out certain parts of the sex with OA, but I don't think that I will ever totally make it into recovery without the two of them together.</p> <p>If anyone is in a similar situation, please email me or respond to this post, it would be greatly appreciated. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=15#post-25 Sun, 04 Oct 2009 08:03:04 +0000 rockyraz 25@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>i to have an addiction. i have never told anyone epically my husband he would not understand. iv came close tho. i want to get off them pain killers so bad. today is day#2 with no pain killers. i sure do hope it gets better im so drained even tho i slept all night. thanks to the Tylenol pm. i have no energy. i get so much more energy from the killes. i can function. when i get off i just want to lay there. i cant i have a 21/2 year old im 24 and this is my 2year i take anything!!! i feel horrible. i feel like i need them im sweetin as i wright this. but this is day2 with nothing in me and all i can do it think pills pills pills i hope i can do this my self </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=15#post-24 Thu, 24 Sep 2009 11:57:10 +0000 timky1 24@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>By the Grace of God, I have been clean and sober now for 8 years. I'm am posting to see how many people have had experiences like mine. Although the compulsion to use, and the associated obsession are long gone, life is far from a bed of roses. I read so often about folks who seem to go from the devastation of addiction, to the miracle of recovery, almost in the same breath. For me, that is not my story. For the first couple of years, I searched, sometimes desperately to understand, who I was. As I figured that out, I started to find other questions, not a lot of answers, just more questions. </p> <p>As I look at the road ahead, I am forced to contemplate whether I stick with commitments I made during my addiction, such as staying married to a woman, who, as it turns out, I can hardly stand sober. Do I stay in my current profession, or pursue what I really long to do with my life?</p> <p>The further I travel, the further I have to go. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=14#post-23 Sun, 20 Sep 2009 22:29:17 +0000 deb 23@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Hello.....</p> <p>Here I am, again, with a new Post.</p> <p>My daughter, made contact, with her Dad last week.<br /> We were, so happy, and Exicted, at the same time. She meantioned, that she was busy,<br /> picking up Laybys, for the baby....due soon, so her Dad offered, too pay for the last layby.</p> <p>They arranged a day, and we talked about it, and made the decission, we will go slow,<br /> and that I wouldnt go, just him. Then, there would be no pressure, put upon her.</p> <p>So, the day arrived, my husband come home, after working 14 hours at work, had a shower,<br /> got dressed, and waited for her phone call.......</p> <p>And waited.............................................<br /> And waited.</p> <p>And I looked at him, and saw a face, in which was just complete, and utter, sadness.<br /> He got up eventually, Looking pretty much a complete, and broken man, went and<br /> got changed again.<br /> I sat, for a long time, trying too find the words, in which I would say, too make him<br /> feel better.<br /> Nothing come. But, I must say, I did feel his pain.<br /> Since then, he has become VERY bitter. </p> <p>She is about too have her baby, and he has made it very clear, enough, is enough.</p> <p>If....... (though this is now not expected), we get a phone call, regarding the birth<br /> of the baby, he does not want too go..... At all.</p> <p>Im hurting too......<br /> And you know, is that the easy way out????<br /> I have HOPE...., that maybe, there will be, a space in her life for me?<br /> But, by saying that, I have too consider my Family.....<br /> Her Family, who she left behind.<br /> Im so sick of my heart hurting like this.<br /> My Life, is a lie, where, I guess, I just live it.<br /> And, I lie, and lie and lie..................................!<br /> I just try not too become what my husband has become...............Bitter.<br /> Its so hard some days.</p> <p>God Bless...<br /> Deb </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=14#post-22 Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:11:02 +0000 passion4fam 22@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Hello Deb,<br /> My daughter is also a heroin addict. She is 22 years old and has been using for 4 years. She has been in and out of rehab. She has had times of sobrity and has had many relapses. I feel your pain. I could have written your post (with a few exceptions). I too have a son that has been hurt by his sister. Heroin has changed our family completely. None of us are (or ever will be ) the same, since heroin has touched our lives. One of the many hurts that I feel is the realization that my children may never have the sister-brother relationship they once had and I had hoped for, while they were growing up. My son is a kind young man and is very focused on what he wants out of life. He is also angry and hurt by the choices his sister has made. I kept my daughter in our home, for to long, while she battled her addiction. Even though I tried desperately to protect my son from the craziness of her addiction, by allowing her to live in our home (while we fought for her life)my son was hurt terribly.<br /> Your daughter is in your heart and soul daily, even though she is not in your home physically. I know it is hard and you miss her, but just now this, you are protecting your son. We want to fight so hard for our children that are lost. Sometimes the children that are right by our side (doing everything right) need us to fight for them too. You sound like an amazing mother. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and will sent an extra prayer up for your daughter and her baby.<br /> I hope you continue to post on this site. It is nice to know I'm not allow. I'll share my story one day soon.<br /> God Bless you Deb and your family </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=14#post-21 Tue, 08 Sep 2009 21:55:11 +0000 deb 21@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Hello....</p> <p>Here is my story.</p> <p>I am a parent, too a 17 year old, the most stunning girl, you will ever see.</p> <p>As a teenager, I told her, have as many friends over as you like!<br /> I dont mind, just dont be noisy or anything. And, they would have so much Fun!!!<br /> As a parent, I was raising her, just like my parents raised me , years ago!!!!!</p> <p>We moved, too a new area, and she seemed happy. She was never any trouble....<br /> She seemed happy, and content.</p> <p>Then, there were changes, that happened pretty fast. She was 16, turning 17, and everything changed....<br /> She went from a girl, who took great pride in herself, too a girl, who stopped having a shower, and her apperence, was alful.</p> <p>When she started losing lots of weight, I was convinced, she had an eating disorder. It all happened, so fast.<br /> So, after dinner every night, I would wait at the bathroom door, waiting too hear her vomit, or something....... But, it was always queit........</p> <p>Never thought at that stage, about DRUGS.....<br /> How Naive of me.....<br /> Then I disvovered, she was seeing a guy, who was a known, herion addict....</p> <p>I confronted her..........<br /> And woke up.......<br /> On her bedroom floor.<br /> I went outside, for some fresh air, and that is when the Police arrived....<br /> I was arested,<br /> for attacting her... ????????</p> <p>She come back home, in January, this year. She was so thin. She asked me too brush, her beutiful, long hair. I had too cut out a knot from her hair. It was the size of my hand. And she smelled so bad........ I found, an un-oppened syringe, in her handbag. She told me, it belonged too someone eles.<br /> I wanted too vomit.</p> <p>This happened, over 9 monthes ago....<br /> Since then, they are homeless, and dirty, Living on the street.....<br /> And, she is now Pregnant.<br /> We used too look for her, at the beggining...............................!<br /> Every night......<br /> But, how do you a find a homeless person,<br /> and one, that now we relize, doesnt want too come home anyway?</p> <p>There is not one day, that I do not think of her and miss her.........<br /> Or, do I miss the girl, I thoght she was....?</p> <p>As I punish myself everyday, and ask myself the same questions, as a parent, it was not meant too be like this. Im 36 years old, and Im about too become a Grandmother, too a child, I will proberly, never meet. And, then I worry for her child, as well as her, my heart hurts, everyday. And the hearts, of my family......... and there blank looks, when her name is mentioned. I can see in their faces, they look too me for the answers.......... But, they are not mine, too give them.</p> <p>My strenth, comes from my little boy. He just stared school, and he is my sunshine. Before she left, she threw him agaist a door. He was OK.... just a bit shocked. That was the day she left. </p> <p>He has stopped speaking of her now...........<br /> And so has everyone eles....<br /> Like she never exisited............................?????<br /> BUT, I think of her everyday.<br /> Thank you, for reading my story....<br /> God Bless all the 'lost' children.........<br /> And God bless you, my baby girl. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=12#post-19 Tue, 12 May 2009 10:51:52 +0000 clovisjbl 19@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Hello,<br /> Your story touched me so deeply. Some of it I have lived myself. My daughter is 21 years old and she has used heroin for 3 years. Before that it was oxy. Our family has been turned upside down. I hurt so badly for her. I have gone to such extremes to try and save her from herself, at times I feel as though I am in a LIFE TIME MOVIE. She has been hurt so badly by all the experiences that come along with being a heroin addict. I fear the wounds and scars she has will never go away and will haunt her forever. She has been in several rehabs anywhere from 30 days to 6 months. We have spent every dime we have. She has had sober times ( a week or two ) but continues to relaps.<br /> I miss my daughter terribly. Is it my daughter I miss or the daughter I thought I had? I know she is in pain and I can not help her like I could when she was a little girl. It has gotten to the point that we have gotten her her own appartment and give her bags of groceries every week. We had to get her out of our house or my husband and I were going to divource or worse. I could not put her on the street this time, because the last two times we did that she sank so far into her addiction we almost lost her for good. How can a mother and father let go and just let Heroin take their daughter from them. At times I have lost my faith in God. My daughter has been through enough. Our family has been though enough. It is time he hears our prayers. Sometimes I feel like if he is going to take her I wish he would just do it. At least then she would have no pain and would be at peace. I can not believe I wrote that. I have never said those words out load. I just want my baby to have some peace in this hurtful world. I would do anything to see her laugh. It has been so long since she has been happy. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=4#post-18 Sat, 25 Apr 2009 23:18:36 +0000 mothersuperior 18@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Good for you! Hope is so powerful. Thank you for sharing your story. The more we talk about addiction, the better for everyone. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=12#post-17 Sat, 25 Apr 2009 23:03:25 +0000 mothersuperior 17@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>I know this amazing and beautiful young woman, in fact on October 1st, 1988, I gave birth to her. Ariel was what some have said was a magical child. She was born an "old soul". Meaning, she seemed to know about things at a very early age. She carried on deep and meaningful conversations about all sorts of things with her teachers, her Grandfather, my husband and I...she was just amazing. I have 3 children and I realize everyone always thinks their child is "gifted, unique". My other two, I love them no less, but they didn't have Ariel's gift to touch the heart of even the most callous person she came in contact with.<br /> Fast forward to Ariel at 12, she took on the very daunting (at least to me) task of reading the entire Dune series. As well as the ever popular Harry Potter and so on. She was never without a book. Puberty hit and then we had her baby sister when she was 14. By this time she was struggling in school after being in TAG all through elementary. We moved to a small town to see if a change out of the overcrowded high school she was in would help. With the added space in our new house ,she became engrossed in her art. She was so passionate about it, but still there was something terribly wrong. She started hanging out with a young man who had graduated the summer before. My husband and I saw a dramatic change in her for the better. She was happy, she seemed centered, eager to participate in life again.<br /> This lasted about 6 months and at 16 we found her in a ball in her bed, bleeding from her slit wrists. We rushed her to the ER and called her therapist. She stayed for about a week on the psych unit and then was transferred to a youth in-house substance abuse program. I was astonished. This kid won the district wide DARE essay contest in 8th grade!" Mrs. M, your daughter has traces of cocaine, thc, ecstacy and xanax in her system' I don't know why I felt like I was punched, I could not believe my baby girl, the one with so much potential was on this path! She watched her dad go through rehab twice for alcohol and drugs! She was so against it, or so we thought!<br /> She somehow manipulated us to get her out and she didn't need that place. We also found out she was failing school. Her grandparents wanted to help and paid for her to go to an artsy school in the Laurelhurst neighborhood in Portland that all the rich but alternative parents send their kids to in Portland. She got on trimet everyday at 7am to get there by 9am, and seemed on the right track. She loved the free thinking spirit of it and did some amazing work. She was still dating her boyfriend and they were reading Burroughs and Bukowski together.<br /> At 17, she was burning alot of incense in her room, she had friends and seemed happy again. Then everyrthing fell to pieces...I was cutting the hedges near her room and noticed the strong smell of vomit. I went in her room and she was getting high by smoking heroin with her boyfriend and another girl. I was so shocked. I had never even seen heroin. but I knew the smell...the incense I kept smelling was really the smell of heroin smoke. It smells like burning cookies, actually. I smelled it a zillion times! We were old Deadheads so the thought of incense in our house was no big deal.<br /> We put her in rehab #2, that lasted a week, and she again manipulated her way through it. It was a horrible time in our lives. I kicked her out, but she was my kid, I could not leave her on the street, despite what her Dad thought. We almost divorced over it. I found out her dealer was around the corner from her school. She was getting high before class and she was slipping away from me.<br /> We went through the very horrific life of living with a heroin addict for over a year. She continued to see her boyfriend off and on. I don't know why, but I saw all these kids as hurt, lost souls that needed help. I never blamed anyone. Ariel got herself into this. ANyhow, her boyfriend's Dad came and screamed at me in front of my little girl and Ariel was mortified. He threatened to call child protective services because Ariel and her boyfriend were getting high at home in the shed. When she heard this, something switched on. She came to us that night and asked for help one more time. I got a bed for her in her 1st adult rehab, that wasn't based on the 12 steps or NA, per say.It cost every penny we had, but it was my child's life. She dropped to 90 pounds and was a mess. I don't know why or how it worked, perhaps it was because she was with people from all walks of life, her age on up to 60 or 70. She took so much from their stories, experiences. They called her "the kid" and she spent 36 days, many of these people much older than even myself pulled me aside to tell me what a remarkable child i had and that she made a huge difference in their recovery!. She went in December 8, 2006. During her stay her boyfriend went to jail for 60 days. They both realized they were together because of the drugs. Both are clean to this day and they still talk sometimes on the phone.<br /> I am not fool enough to think that Ariel's hard earned sobriety will be an easy thing for her, but I must commend her. She spent almost a year trying to rebuild her life again with us in our town. But no matter what, someone was always calling her or stopping by trying to get her to succumb to the life of a heroin addict again. We changed her phone twice, still people were trying to contact her. She kept in touch with a childhood friend from Texas, whom she met through her cousin when she was 13 and visiting. She visited every year and this guy somehow always seemed to call her when she was at her worst. She was telling him how noone would leave her alone and he hitchiked from Texas to Oregon and ended up on our doorstep in October 2007. For Christmas he gave her a toy plane. They flew to Texas, she got her GED, enrolled in college, and works for a caterer. She loves her life and I miss her like hell. But there was no way she could continue to live here, on the I-5 corridor and stay clean. No one wanted her sobriety more than she did. She has her ups and downs, but somehow she manages to get through it without getting high. She has built a stong support system and is again an amazing young woman of 20, into art, poetry, baking, her dog, her family and a boy who cared enough to hitch across America to save a girl he knew was in trouble.They may not last, 20 is so young! But then again I was 19 when her Daddy and I had her...Everyday I wake up and pray my baby will have one more day of sobriety.Every day is precious. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=11#post-16 Tue, 14 Apr 2009 09:53:32 +0000 sital 16@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>My story starts in middle school. My first drink, first cut, and first high. I drank for about three years. At first it was just on weekends, at night with friends, and then it progressed to everyday, then to mornings, at school. I'd start drinking at 10 in the morning and go home drunk. My parents caught me once prior to being sent away to a treatment facility in Utah. It was friends sweet sixteen, and of course I had grey goose vodka and some beer ready to start off the night. I drank to the point where I was missing parts of the night. The only other time this happened to me I missed 5 hours of the day. I ended up with a concussion and being rushed to the hospital by my mother. My sister was 12 years old at the time and describes me as a scary, unrecognizable person; as many people find with addicts. The nurses tested by blood alcohol level and were shocked to find it at 0.32, 5 hours after my last drink. I was transported to another hospital and put on a 72 hour hold. After being interviewed and diagnosed "an at risk teen" I was escorted to a wilderness program called Second Nature in Duchane, Utah. Eighty-one days later, I was sent to a transitional all girls boarding school where I stayed for 11 and a half months. I am now 18, and living at home. I ll be going off to college soon and it scares me. I have relapsed since I've been back. The most important thing about addiction and recovery is you have to want it. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=8#post-15 Mon, 13 Apr 2009 01:20:19 +0000 denisethehun 15@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Timmyk, I think it was very brave of you to post this.. this is such a hard thing to admit, and takes a lot of courage and a strong desire for change to talk about it. Are you attracted to women, or did you marry a woman because it was "the right thing to do"? If you are gay and suppressing your basic nature, that may be the sole cause of your "addiction". Maybe simply being true to yourself is all you need to do in order to be at peace with yourself. Christianity does not take into account facts, and the fact is: being gay is not something you bring on yourself, it is a naturally occurring condition in some people. How sad to go through life in denial of who you are, or being told that what you are is sinful.<br /> I wish you luck and hope you find peace. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=10#post-14 Mon, 13 Apr 2009 01:07:39 +0000 denisethehun 14@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>I HAVE to admit this garbage to someone, if only myself. I need to hold a mirror up somehow and try and view myself objectively. Typing this out is a start, maybe.</p> <p>I haven't slept in more than two days.<br /> I am currently self-medicating with Suboxone.<br /> Suboxone is a medication used to treat opiate addiction. I buy it off the street for $10 a pill. I am taking 2 - 3 8mg pills a day. I didn't make a conscious decision to use Suboxone to get off pain killers. It happened to be available on a day when I couldn't score, and I was told that if I took them I wouldn't experience the debilitating depression that crushes me after I stop taking Percocets. It totally works, but it doesn't seem much different to me than pain killers, except it lasts longer and I will be able to decrease the dosage without going into withdrawal. So part of me is saying I'm full of crap and just switched to a different brand of dope, and another part is wondering if this can be my ray of light, my way out of this addiction. </p> <p>My pain killer addiction has been going on for about 3 years now. I whave been prescribed them occasionally in the past for toothaches and always loved the feeling. But my decline into what I've become today started when I had a tooth pulled and the dentist didn't prescribe me a pain killer. I was complaining to a neighbor about the insensitive dentist and she offered to sell me Vicodin. I jumped on the offer. </p> <p>The euphoria I get when I'm on pain killers is what I always imagined life was like for most people. Depression has plagued me most of my adult life, although not consistent depression, I've had lots of wonderful times sober. But never have I felt so strong and confident and ABLE as when I took pain killers. No one knows when I am high on them, but they do notice how much more effective I am &#38; how much more I get done. People like me better, my FAMILY likes me better, when I am high. I've been diagnosed as being Bi-Polar, but it's just the ups &#38; downs of having or not having dope.</p> <p>I started off taking a couple pills a day, and had no problem withdrawing when they ran out. Now, to stave off the depression (I mean severe depression.. I become filled with utter despair) I have to take up to 14 Percocets a day.<br /> At $6 each that's $84 a day, $2,520 a month. </p> <p>I don't have $2520 a month.<br /> I am married to a man who I want to point my finger at and say "he helped get me here!" but that's a cop-out. He had a year long affair and right after I found out about it was when I started taking pain killers regularly... so it's very easy for me to attempt to shift the blame to him. I have to steer clear of doing that. If I don't take responsibility for messing my life up then I won't be able to take responsibility to fixing it.</p> <p>It's Easter Sunday, and my beautiful daughters will be waking up in a few hours. They don't know mom is strung out. They only know she's very tired. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=8#post-13 Thu, 09 Apr 2009 19:41:00 +0000 timmyk 13@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>I am 44 years old. I have been married for 21 years and have 4 great kids. I have struggled with same sex attraction since I was 11 or 13 years old. I am a born again christian and have been a worship leader /youth and childrens pastor for years. No one knows my addiction. I have been adicted to gay porn/chat rooms and phone sex. I hate it with a passion. I have been to everymans battle but it seemed like they spoke on things I had heard before. No one spoke about same sex attraction and I sure was not going to bring it up. I wish I had never stollen that first porm magazine when I was a kid. Or maybe it came from my older male neighbor that had me play with him when I was 5. I don't know. I am tired of trying to firgure it out. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=9#post-12 Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:13:31 +0000 Brian W. 12@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Hi All,<br /> I just finished reading America Anonymous. I cried, especially at the last chapter. I was amazed at how much my life has changed. I recognized the power and draw to the old addiction in his words but I no longer feel it. Somehow the compulsion has been lifted. I know how, god did it when I became willing for him to take it away.</p> <p>I have been addicted to sex since I was seven. I started playing doctor with a neighbor and the playing became a compulsion for us both. By fourth grade peer pressure forced me to stop same sex AO. I got an ulcer and I became obsessed with girls. I found pornography and began a 30 year obsession with obtaining it. As I got older I began using real women to fill that unfillable hole that my addiction became. There were never enough women, images, fantasies or masturbation.</p> <p>I married and mistakenly thought my addiction was over. Within a year I was collecting magazines. I got caught and swore them off. I started with movies. Got caught and swore them off. Strip clubs, got caught. Internet, got caught. I kept pushing the envelope of what was permissable. My addict always wanted something more and always promised to stop when I got it. There never was enough. I got caught at work on the computer searching endlessly for that perfect image. My wife found images on our computer that made her doubt her decision to marry and stay with me. That was Feb. 11, 2001.</p> <p>In my desperation to not lose her, my daughter, my home and my job I sought help. The therapist said I had to go to 12 step. I was an unrepentent agnostic and I was not going to those meetings. I stayed abstinent for 103 days then slipped. Little more sobriety and slipped some more. I started SA and SLAA meetings at my wife's insistence. The people were like me. I liked them and started working the program and going to group therapy for sex addicts. All of that was still not enough. I stayed abstinent for many months at a time but it was all ego driven....MY sobriety.</p> <p>While slipping I hated myself for my weakness and selfishness. The power my addiction had over me was overwhelming. I simply could not say no when my addict started screaming for relief. Why oh why could I not just say no and stay stopped. Because it was not humanly possible. Not until I had spent five years doing it my way did I finally get to the point that I had to ask god to take it away. And he does one day at a time.</p> <p>I have been sober since April 13, 2006. I have had to pray to god every single day for help. I pray for the willingness to want to stay sober. I give away my fears, anger, selfishness and resentments to him. Take them away I can do nothing with them, I pray. And he does. I work the steps. I help others work the steps. I do service work. I call another addict every day. I go to meetings. I do everything the program tells me to do to stay sober. And it works. It works beyond my wildest dreams. Not only do I not act out on the compulsions but the compulsions themselves have been lifted. I have taken the filters off my computers. I don't ever fool myself into thinking I am cured. I know that as long as I keep doing my work and I ask him everyday to help me stay sober I will be protected from myself.</p> <p>Recovery is not easy. It is not for the impatient nor faint of heart. It requires breaking down the ego. Finding yourself hopelessly addicted with nowhere else to turn. At that point I allowed a higher power into my life. I know without a shadow of doubt that left to my own devices I will die young directly due to my addiction. With god's help there is another way. My life and program are not perfect but they are so much better than they were. My wife sees the difference and tells me so. I thank all those that have worked this program before me. I want to thank Benoit for his gut wrenchingly honest look at my addiction and hope for my recovery.</p> <p>Yours in recovery,<br /> Brian W. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=8#post-11 Sat, 31 Jan 2009 03:34:23 +0000 SexAddict 11@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>I can trace my sex activity back into my early childhood. As far back as I can remember, really. I don't remember life before masturbation, which makes me a little bit sad to think about now. Masturbation felt good, but even when I was a kid I remember wondering if it was normal and feeling shameful at times. I discovered pornography in my home when I was 9 or 10. Soon I was combining sexual fantasy and pornography with masturbation... which became a regular, every day routine. Before long I was masturbating several times a day. It was especially helpful during times of stress; I used it to escape unwanted emotions and to relax during difficult situations. Late night tv porn and dial-up internet access to porn became a part of this daily routine during junior high school. I would spend hours at night on the computer or in front of the tv, deathly afraid of getting caught, but in a kind of sexual frenzy that I couldn't let go of.</p> <p>Sexual fantasy began to consume my thoughts; I spent a lot of my time in fantasy when I wasn't acting out. Towards the end of high school I was masturbating 10+ times a day sometimes. I would often injure myself... but still couldn't stop. In college I was obsessed with sex and found that I was able to charm my way into women's bedrooms. I was very manipulative, very deceiving. I was obsessed with being with as many girls as possible, it made me feel important. I felt wanted, needed, and powerful. But I was always ashamed of my behavior. After sleeping with some of these women, I would cry. I was depressed and couldn't seem to stop myself from sleeping with women that I sometimes found repulsive. I began masturbating in bathrooms and other inappropriate places.</p> <p>When I got engaged, I thought that I would stop. But I couldn't. I couldn't kick the pornography. In fact, I was going to strip clubs regularly in addition to viewing porn. Affairs became part of my life. I was constantly analyzing women, trying to figure out my chances at getting in bed with them. It felt amazing to be wanted by other women, to be able to get away with one affair after another. But I felt like shit inside and wanted to stop. I was also staying up all night viewing pornography, spending obscene amounts of money on strip clubs, and buying adult dvds that I would hide and then trash days later... only to dig them out of the trash or go buy more at a later time. I began to duct-tape the dvds or throw them out at gas stations so that I couldn't recover them. I would cry and sob and promise to myself and to god that this was "the last time." I contemplated suicide. I believed that I was the scum of the earth and I hated myself.</p> <p>It was a sad cycle of shame and sexual torment. It all ended when I realized that I really was going to kill myself before too long; I hated myself that much. I also realized that my double life would probably soon be discovered and I outed myself before others had a chance to. I ended the affair I was in and told my wife everything. Eventually, counseling lead me to Sex Addicts Anonymous, a twelve step fellowship for those wanting to recover from sexual addiction. </p> <p>Two years later, I'm still married, pornography and affair free (for 15 months!), and I don't hate myself. That last part is the most amazing of all. I don't hate myself.. in fact, my life is worth living.<br /> Finally.</p> <p>Check out my blog on sexual addiction recovery at: <a href="http://www.mysexdrug.blogspot.com">www.MySexDrug.blogspot.com</a> </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=7#post-10 Mon, 26 Jan 2009 15:28:05 +0000 SB 10@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>This falls under the classification of a sex addiction. Although there is some controversy as whether this is truly an addiction, both Mr. Denizet-Lewis and I can tell you it is from personal experience.</p> <p>You can be compelled to act out sexually in the same way a drug addict is compelled to take his drugs. I am in recovery for sex addiction and have been told by many sex addicts who are also alcoholics or drug addicts that the sex addiction is even harder to overcome. I have been in recovery for 18 months and have had recent internet porn slips, although they get less frequent and of shorter duration as I work my program.</p> <p>There is help. The books written by Patrick Carnes (Out of the Shadows, Don't Call it Love)are great resources for information about the addiction. You can pick them up in Barnes and Noble, Borders and other major booksellers.</p> <p>There are two recovery groups that hold meetings in South Florida that can help: Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Both have websites and links to find local meetings. You might find that the SAA program is a little more geared to your problem, but all Sex addict groups can help. Go to at least 6 meetings before you decide if it is right for you. For me, I knew at the first meeting I went to and the help has been incredible. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=5#post-9 Mon, 26 Jan 2009 12:38:15 +0000 latininmiami 9@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>Friends:</p> <p>I know we all feel in hell but hell has different levels. At least you guys never lost your functional state and could manage the storm before you ability to work and produce money was affected. I visited a psychiatric doctor 4 years ago and she advised me to stay cool and do nothing until I reached the bottom. Four years after (now) my addiction has affected my ability to work and I am facing financial troubles that I don't want to mention here. My point for everyone who reads this is to TAKE ACTION AS SOON AS POSSIBLE to avoid further damages. Now I am facing two big problems and my odds to survive are diminished. God bless all and I am only hope a miracle saves me. </p> http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/topic.php?id=7#post-8 Mon, 26 Jan 2009 12:12:27 +0000 latininmiami 8@http://www.americaanonymous.com/stories/ <p>I have been addicted to online sex for many years. The amount of time and energy I have put behind is incredible. I met with ppl I met on line and there is NO WAY I can stop it. I recently started a new relationship with a women (after being single for years afraid of hurting anyone) thinking that would stop me..but I have failed one more time.<br /> What drives me is the high levels of adrenaline or other substances that runs through my blood when I do it..after I am done..I am literately wasted..I feel like fever..my eyes hurts..I wonder if this is addiction or something else? Any group that only deals with this kind of addiction? Some help or advise will give me some hope. </p>