Since 3 years old i been haunted by Memories Of abuse Trauma Fear Anxiety Self Loathe Sexual Identity Disorder Bipolar Borderline traits .
Am 34 and after a recent attempt of suicide am trying want to try to overcome the Lust Pride Selfish longings that keep me Captive in a Compulsive Sex addiction Internet Porn Masturbation Bi sexual Cyb-er sex...
Lately i come to the conclusion that i need to control my hearts desires but is very hard this struggle i live with Low self esteem
Typical Signs of Love or Sex Addiction Include:
* Constantly seeking a sexual partner, new romance or significant other
* An inability or difficulty in being alone
* Consistently choosing partners who are abusive or emotionally unavailable
* Using sex, seduction and intrigue to "hook" or hold onto a partner
* Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
* Missing out on important family, career or social experiences in order to maintain a sexual high or romantic relationship
* When in a relationship, being detached or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
* Avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to "solve the problem"
* An inability to leave unhealthy relationships despite repeated promises to self or others
* Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others
* Mistaking sexual experiences and romantic intensity for love
Trying to Find Friends that will Understand my agony Despair Frustration Self Hatred
Understanding Addictive Cybersex
By Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., Ph.D. and Robert Weiss, LCSW, CAS
The Internet is profoundly transforming our culture and our world in ways similar to the introduction of the telephone 100 years ago. In addition to its function as a source of information, the Internet is leading a revolution in the delivery of sex and sexual content. Cybersex, which is any form of sexual expression accessed through the computer or the Internet, is now a major industry. Currently, over 60 percent of all visits on the Internet involve a sexual purpose.
These days cybersex activities include not only viewing and/or downloading pornography along with masturbation, but also reading and writing sexually explicit letters and stories, e-mailing to set up personal meetings with someone, placing ads to meet sexual partners, visiting sexually oriented chat rooms, and engaging in interactive online affairs which include real-time viewing of each other using electronic cameras hooked up to the computer. Many people allow themselves to engage in sexual behaviors online (S&M, cybersex with adolescents or children, presenting themselves as persons of the opposite gender) which they would never do in the real world. Spin-offs of cybersex activities are phone sex with people met online, and online affairs that progress to real or offline affairs.
For most cybersex users, the Internet provides a fascinating new venue for experiencing sex. Some users, however, perhaps 8-10 percent, become hooked on cybersex and experience significant life problems as a result.
For those hooked on cybersex, the negative consequences can be divided broadly into two categories: those resulting from the many hours the user spends on the internet, and those which specifically relate to the sexual content of the user's activities.
The former group include:
* User's life becomes constricted and lonely. Many hours are spent alone with the computer, involved in fantasy sexual activities, while real-life friendships and social contacts fall away.
* If the user is married or in a relationship, the partner feels lonely, ignored, unimportant, neglected, or angry because the user prefers to spend so much time on the net rather than with the partner and family.
* Children are neglected or ignored because of the parent's involvement with the computer.
Consequences which result specifically from the sexual nature of the computer use include:
* If online sex leads to real-life sexual encounters, the user risks acquiring HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
* If the user downloads Internet pornography on the work computer or engages in cybersex on the job, he or she risks job loss.
* Cybersex participants who engage in sex with minors risk arrest and imprisonment.
* Many users lie repeatedly about the sexual activities; in response, their partners feel distrust and betrayal.
* The devastating emotional impact of a cybersex affair is described by many partners as similar, if not the same, as that of a real or offline affair. This is equally true when the cybersex user has also had "real" affairs. The partner's self-esteem may be damaged; strong feelings of hurt, betrayal, abandonment, devastation, loneliness, shame, isolation, humiliation, and jealousy are evoked. Cybersex activities were considered particularly destructive in that a) they took place right in the home and b) were so time-consuming.
* The couple's sexual relationship suffers, not only generally because the user stays up much of the night, but specifically because the spouse (and often the user) compares her body and her sexual performance to that of the online men and women, and believes she/he can't measure up and/or the user or partner loses interest in having sex with each other. Many couples have no relational sex in months or years.
* Online sexual activities may be followed by physical contact with others; the partner may retaliate or seek solace in extramarital affairs.
* Children may be exposed to pornography and may develop unhealthy attitudes towards sex and women.
My Past has i believe consequences exposure to SEX since three years old then i gave up from 18 developed a porn addiction that led my mind to desire Abnormal perverted Desires Thoughts
Now i will give this Agonizing fight A new Way am going to open up and seek help instead of Hold Suppress my Fears shame Guilt with Help From god and Loved Ones and Professionals Because i cannot do this on my Own
http://www.cybersexualaddiction.com/Articles.php
http://www.sexualrecovery.com/resources/articles/cyberfaq.php
Are you sexually compulsive?
Members of SCA have learned through sharing their experience, strength, and hope with each other that sexual compulsivity is a disease. This disease has three dimensions: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Physically, we engage in sexual behaviors that we know are not healthy for us or that place us in legal, physical, or spiritual jeopardy. Emotionally, we experience a "high" in contemplating and engaging in the "acting out" behavior, followed by an emotional let-down after acting out has concluded. Spiritually, we feel disconnected from others, especially from relationships we want to be "healthy" ones.
The Twenty Questions
SCA members have devised the Twenty Questions to help newcomers decide whether they are sexually compulsive. While the decision as to whether one has the disease of sexual compulsivity is an individual one, most people who are not sexually compulsive will answer yes to none of these questions, or perhaps one or two. If you answer yes to three or more, we encourage you to consider what our program has to offer. Click here to answer the Twenty Questions.
The Fourteen Characteristics
SCA members have found that we share certain characteristics in common. Click here to see those characteristics. The fourteen characteristics are often read at the beginning of SCA meetings. Click here to read SCA members' personal experiences with each of the characteristics.
Admitting That We Are Powerless
If we decide that we have the disease of sexual compulsion, the first step toward recovery is to admit that we are powerless over our condition and that it makes our lives unmanageable. When we can do so, we are ready to move on to the 12-step recovery program. The only requirement for membership in SCA is a desire to stop our compulsive sexual behavior.
The Twenty Questions
1. Do you frequently experience remorse, depression, or guilt about your sexual activity?
2. Do you feel your sexual drive and activity is getting out of control? Have you repeatedly tried to stop or reduce certain sexual behaviors, but inevitably you could not?
3. Are you unable to resist sexual advances, or turn down sexual propositions when offered?
4. Do you use sex to escape from uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, guilt, etc. which seem to disappear when the sexual obsession starts?
5. Do you spend excessive time obsessing about sex or engaged in sexual activity?
6. Have you neglected your family, friends, spouse or relationship because of the time you spend in sexual activity?
7. Do your sexual pursuits interfere with your work or professional development?
8. Is your sexual life secretive, a source of shame, and not in keeping with your values? Do you lie to others to cover up your sexual activity?
9. Are you afraid of sex? Do you avoid romantic and sexual relationships with others and restrict your sexual activity to fantasy, masturbation, and solitary or anonymous activity?
10. Are you increasingly unable to perform sexually without other stimuli such as pornography, videos, "poppers," drugs/alcohol, "toys," etc.?
11. Do you have to resort increasingly to abusive, humiliating, or painful sexual fantasies or behaviors to get sexually aroused?
12. Has your sexual activity prevented you from developing a close, loving relationship with a partner? Or, have you developed a pattern of intense romantic or sexual relationships that never seem to last once the excitement wears off?
13. Do you only have anonymous sex or one-night stands? Do you usually want to get away from your sexual partner after the encounter?
14. Do you have sex with people with whom you normally would not associate?
15. Do you frequent clubs, bars, adult bookstores, restrooms, parks and other public places in search of sexual partners?
16. Have you ever been arrested or placed yourself in legal jeopardy for your sexual activity?
17. Have you ever risked your physical health with exposure to sexually transmitted diseases by engaging in "unsafe" sexual activity?
18. Has the money you spent on pornography, videos, phone sex, or hustlers/prostitutes strained your financial resources?
19. Have people you trust expressed concern about your sexual activity?
20. Does life seem meaningless and hopeless without a romantic or sexual relationship?
The Fourteen Characteristics
These are the characteristics most of us seem to have in common:
1. As adolescents, we used fantasy and compulsive masturbation to avoid feelings, and continued this tendency into our adult lives with compulsive sex.
2. Compulsive sex became a drug, which we used to escape from feelings such as anxiety, loneliness, anger and self-hatred, as well as joy.
3. We tended to become immobilized by romantic obsessions. We became addicted to the search for sex and love; as a result, we neglected our lives.
4. We sought oblivion in fantasy and masturbation, and lost ourselves in compulsive sex. Sex became a reward, punishment, distraction and time-killer.
5. Because of our low self-esteem, we used sex to feel validated and complete.
6. We tried to bring intensity and excitement into our lives through sex, but felt ourselves growing steadily emptier.
7. Sex was compartmentalized instead of integrated into our lives as a healthy element.
8. We became addicted to people, and were unable to distinguish among sex, love and affection.
9. We searched for some "magical" quality in others to make us feel complete. Other people were idealized and endowed with a powerful symbolism, which often disappeared after we had sex with them.
10. We were drawn to people who were not available to us, or who would reject or abuse us.
11. We feared relationships, but continually searched for them. In a relationship, we feared abandonment and rejection, but out of one, we felt empty and incomplete.
12. While constantly seeking intimacy with another person, we found that the desperate quality of our need made true intimacy with anyone impossible, and we often developed unhealthy dependency relationships that eventually became unbearable.
13. Even when we got the love of another person, it never seemed enough, and we were unable to stop lusting after others.
14. Trying to conceal our dependency demands, we grew more isolated from ourselves, from God, and from the very people we longed to be close to.
http://www.sca-recovery.org/SCAnnerchars.htm#1
SEXUAL material of all kinds is easily accessible through television, movies, music videos, and the Internet. Is this relentless intrusion of pornographic, sexualized imagery harmless, as many would have us believe?*
Pornography's Effects on Adults
Despite what its defenders say, pornography has profoundly negative effects on people's views of sex and sexual behavior. Researchers at the National Foundation for Family Research and Education concluded that "exposure to pornography puts viewers at increased risk for developing sexually deviant tendencies." According to the report, "the rape myth (belief that women cause and enjoy rape, and that rapists are normal) is very widespread in habitual male users of pornography."
Some researchers say that the repeated use of pornography can interfere with the ability to enjoy and participate in normal marital intimacy. Dr. Victor Cline, a specialist in treating sex addiction, has noticed a recurring progression in the use of pornography. If left unchecked, what starts as casual viewing of pornography can eventually lead to an escalation to more hard-core, aberrant material. This, he claims, can lead to deviant sexual acts. Behavioral scientists agree. Dr. Cline reports that "any type of sexual deviation can be acquired in this way . . . and that it cannot be eliminated even by massive feelings of guilt." Eventually, the viewer may try to act out the pornography-based, immoral fantasies, often with devastating results.
The course of this problem may be gradual and undetected, concluded Cline. He states: "Like a cancer, it keeps growing and spreading. It rarely ever reverses itself, and it is also very difficult to treat and heal. Denial on the part of the male addict and refusal to confront the problem are typical and predictable, and this almost always leads to marital or couple disharmony, sometimes divorce, and sometimes the breaking up of other intimate relationships."
The Damage to Young People
Boys looking at pornography
Some researchers say that exposure to pornography can affect the natural development of a child's brain
Statistics show that the primary consumers of pornography are boys between the ages of 12 and 17. In fact, for many, pornography is their primary source of sexual education. This has very disturbing ramifications. "Teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS," notes one report, "are completely nonexistent in porn, giving a false belief that there are no adverse consequences to behaviors depicted in pornography."
Some researchers say that exposure to pornography can also affect the natural development of a child's brain. Dr. Judith Reisman, president of the Institute for Media Education, concludes: "Health-based neurological observations about the instinctual brain-imprinted response to pornographic sights and sounds indicates that viewing pornography is a biologically significant event that overrides informed consent—and that is harmful to children's [moldable] 'plastic' brains because it compromises their grasp of reality and thus their mental and physical health, their well-being and their pursuit of happiness."
The Effects on Relationships
Pornography shapes attitudes and influences behavior. Its messages are enticing primarily because they are fantasy and thus presented as more exciting than the real thing. (See the box "Which Message Will You Accept?") "Individuals using pornography set themselves up for unrealistic expectations leading to damaged relationships," notes one report.
Pornography can destroy trust and openness, essential qualities in a marriage. Because it is primarily viewed in secret, pornography use often leads to deception and lying. Mates feel betrayed. They do not understand why their marriage partner no longer finds them desirable.
Spiritual Harm
Pornography use causes serious spiritual damage. It can become a real impediment for an individual seeking to have a relationship with God.# The Bible links sexual appetite with covetousness and idolatry. (Colossians 3:5) The one coveting something desires it so much that it becomes the dominant thing in his life, eclipsing everything else. In essence, those addicted to pornography put their sexual desire above God. They thus make an idol of it. Jehovah God's command states: "You must not have any other gods against my face."—Exodus 20:3.
Couple arguing
Pornography can destroy trust and openness in a marriage
Pornography destroys loving relationships. The apostle Peter, himself a married man, urged Christian husbands to assign honor to their wives. A husband who fails to do so will find that his prayers to God are hindered. (1 Peter 3:7) Would secretly viewing indecent images of women be treating one's own wife honorably? How would she feel if she found out? And what would the God who will bring "every sort of work into the judgment" and who makes "an estimate of spirits" think? (Ecclesiastes 12:14; Proverbs 16:2) Could one who uses pornography have any reason to expect that his prayers would be listened to by God?
The insistence on selfish gratification at all costs is inherent in pornography use. Hence, viewing pornography is unloving. It undercuts a Christian's fight to maintain chastity and a clean moral standing before God. "This is what God wills," wrote the apostle Paul, "that you abstain from fornication; that each one of you should know how to get possession of his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in covetous sexual appetite . . . , that no one go to the point of harming and encroach upon the rights of his brother."—1 Thessalonians 4:3-7.
Pornography especially exploits women and children. It demeans them and robs them of their dignity and rights. One who uses pornography participates in and supports that exploitation. "No matter how good a . . . man thinks he is," point out researchers Steven Hill and Nina Silver, "his tacit approval of pornography makes him at best [insensitive], at worst misogynistic, toward the very person he professes to care about."
Getting Help
The struggle to break free from pornography should not be underestimated; it may be a difficult battle. Says Dr. Victor Cline, who has treated hundreds of sex addicts: "Promises don't work. Good intentions mean nothing. [A sex addict] literally cannot do this by himself." A prerequisite to successful treatment, according to Cline, is involving the mate, if the person is married. "It goes faster if both are involved," he claims. "Both are wounded. Both need help."
If the person is single, often a trusted friend or family member can be a pillar of strength. Regardless of who is involved in the treatment, Cline has one unalterable rule: Talk openly about the problem and any relapses. "Secrets 'kill you'," he says. "They create shame and guilt."
Breaking Free of the Pornography Habit
What if you are presently struggling with an addiction to pornography? Can anything be done to break free? The Bible provides hope! Before coming to know Christ, some of the early Christians had been fornicators, adulterers, and greedy persons. "But you have been washed clean," noted Paul. How was that possible? He answered: "You have been sanctified . . . with the spirit of our God."—1 Corinthians 6:9-11.
Never underestimate the power of God's holy spirit. "God is faithful," the Bible says, "and he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." Indeed, he will provide the way out. (1 Corinthians 10:13) Fervent prayer—persistently setting your problem before God—will produce results. His Word encourages: "Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you."—Psalm 55:22.
Man praying
Fervent prayer will produce results
Of course, you have to act in harmony with your prayers. You need to make a deliberate and heartfelt decision to reject pornography. A trusted friend or family member can be an invaluable aid, providing needed support and encouragement to stick to your resolve. (See the box "Getting Help.") Remembering that such a course of action is sure to please God can help you stay committed to your course. (Proverbs 27:11) In addition, knowing that your viewing pornography offends God can also serve as an added impetus to giving it up. (Genesis 6:5, 6) It will not be an easy struggle, but it is one that can be won. The pornography habit can be broken!
The dangers of using pornography are real. It is harmful and destructive. It corrupts those who produce it and those who use it. It is an insult to men and women, a danger to children, and a practice that should be rejected.
* For a detailed discussion of the dangers of Internet pornography, please see the series of articles entitled "Internet Pornography—What Harm Can It Do?" in the June 8, 2000, issue of Awake! pages 3-10.
# For a discussion of the Bible's view of pornography, please see the July 8, 2002, issue of Awake! pages 19-21.
Which Message Will You Accept?
Pornography's Message
The Bible's View
Sex with anyone, anytime, under any circumstances, and in any way is good and has no negative consequences.
"Let marriage be honorable among all, and the marriage bed be without defilement, for God will judge fornicators and adulterers."—Hebrews 13:4.
"He that practices fornication is sinning against his own body."—1 Corinthians 6:18; see also Romans 1:26, 27.
Marriage is an obstacle to sexual fulfillment.
"Rejoice with the wife of your youth . . . With her love may you be in an ecstasy constantly."—Proverbs 5:18, 19; see also Genesis 1:28; 2:24; 1 Corinthians 7:3.
Women have only one purpose—to satisfy the sexual needs of men.
"I [Jehovah God] am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him."—Genesis 2:18; see also Ephesians 5:28.
Men and women are slaves to their sexual urges.
"Deaden, therefore, your body members that are upon the earth as respects fornication, uncleanness, sexual appetite, hurtful desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry."—Colossians 3:5.
"Each one of you should know how to get possession of his own vessel in sanctification and honor."—1 Thessalonians 4:4.
View the "older women as mothers, younger women as sisters with all chasteness."—1 Timothy 5:1, 2; see also 1 Corinthians 9:27.